domestic voices

this morning I tried to scrub lily pollen out of our rug for hours while the voices told me I wasn’t enough would never be enough had missed my boat was too old to reinvent or find myself reacquaint myselves and the pollen just sunk deeper clinging to every yellow-tinged fiber of the rug that was our best the one we keep in the room where all things have a place an order reminding us of beauty’s possibility even as our lives spin in and out on and off of the rug with the big yellow stain I cannot seem to get out what should I have told those voices? the ones so hopelessly sure of my fixed place in this world the permanence of my lot as the one who hoped for but never did or tried but never made it past the four walls of the room so controlled? should I have said the lily did this or our boys giggling as they pulled each other by the old dog leash that tipped the vase so fragile until it rolled with a thud to the ground a silent second followed by sorrys and please give me space to clean and reorder and make of this a sanctuary where I am safe again in the absorbing, the drenching and dabbing the fixing and reacting while the voices croon softly to keep me scrubbing

#poetry #stayathomemom #dreams #children #cleaning